I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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