so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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