did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
