Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
