somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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