What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sorry my hands just texted you
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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