Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
