when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
