thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
