I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
