my phone needs a breathalizer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
