i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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