You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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