I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
