i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
