I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
