i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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