my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
