She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm passing your future prison.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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