I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
