Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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