i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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