The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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