he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
