i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
