I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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