:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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