She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
