Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
