Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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