Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
