he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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