My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
