Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
