You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
