so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
