Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
