I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just want to make out with him forever
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
