I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
