So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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