I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
