I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
