my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
