yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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