He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this just has baby written all over it
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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