I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
