People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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