she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
