im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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