Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
