If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
