ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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