I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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