I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
