My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
