im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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