I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
