When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
