I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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