I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
