what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
