I feel like abortions should bother me more
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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